Stephanie

I'm scared to lose a friend. A best friend. I care for Steph so much, and we connect very well and always have fun together. Since last Friday, the potential of our relationship has been on my mind. During our trip to Norman, OK last weekend, it seemed to me that we could start over from where we were in March - best friends who realize that they should be together romantically. Along with that, I also wanted to emotionally kind of rewind back to March - to a simpler time where we were undefined and enjoying one another. At the end of our trip, I realized that I'd been failing to really think about Steph's feelings. She's in Love with me. That means we can't start from that casual and unassuming stage, because of the incongruence of our feelings.

A friend gave me some advice on the situation - saying that if we're going to be physical at all, we should be together, and if we're not going to actually be together, it's hurtful to both of us when we make out. She was right, and that brought me to a conclusion that we needed to either be together or be friends. I talked it over with Steph, and we came to an agreement that nothing in the middle was going to work.

Clearly Steph would prefer that we be together, based on her emotions. I took some time to make my decision. I really thought it over. If I had made my decision based on immediate happiness, as I usually do, we would be together today. I decided, however, that because we've spent so much time hurting eachother since August, and because I can never be the rule-following upholder of societal norms that Steph wants to marry, it would be selfish of me to continue to date her just based on the fact that her charm, intelligence, and beauty appeal to me.

Obviously, even though we've actually been broken up for quite some time now, it's still hurtful to think of it really being over between us, at least for a long period of time, if not indefinitely. Also, in order to work through the loss of Love, Steph needs time apart from me, or at least time with less of me in it, and that's sad also, as she's essentially been my best friend and confidant since the beginning of this year, and I deeply care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I understand her need to be seperate for awhile, but it's hard to deal with.

This is what's been on my mind for the last few days...just had to share.